Tag Archives: fear

“There is no means of testing which decision is better…”

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“There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always like a sketch. No, “sketch” is not quite a word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch for nothing, an outline with no picture.” Milan Kundera (The Unbearable Lightness of Being)

It’s the same old, same old… If another does not know their own mind, their own heart, how can they be ready to embark on anything? I am the same, feeling my way along and through this mortal coil, trying to remain aligned and present and make sense of the uncertainty, that is the human condition. There is no judgement here, not from me anyway. We all seek the same Holy Grail; the mystical marriage of self and from there, a love affair with another. A joining of two hearts and an adventure of discovery, an opportunity to speak our truth and be loved and respected for it.

Is Love therefore the answer to every question? I suspect it underlies everything we seek, both externally and internally of ourselves. It is both the foundations and building blocks of life. It evades us often, especially when we fail to recognize it in ourselves; unable to trust in it fully and feel totally safe just being ‘me’.

I continually try to understand why I am where I am. Why I have met the people I have met, what lessons there are to learn from these encounters and physical interactions.

I’ll put my hands up at this point. Yes, I do tend to rush forward, racing towards an unknown future. Am I any different from you? Everyone, in some way or another, is trying to be true to themselves and that of course can lead to disappointment. It is indeed always disappointing not hearing what you would like to hear; when you catch a glimpse of another like minded soul, only to be pushed away. Don’t I know all too well, that at times what you want and what you need are in opposition and the bugger of that is, you know that is how it sometimes has to be. There is gold to be found in those moments, along with frustration and at times tears. But why am I running scared? Scared to feel emotions, scared not to feel emotions…. Scared of feeling too much, scared of not feeling enough… Scared of getting it totally wrong…

Fear can rule mercilessly. It can bury us in indecision and feelings of inadequacy. It can strip you of your knowing and push you down a path of blinkered illusion. I know this is true. Fear has led me down many dead-end roads. Fear is my unwanted guest, arriving uninvited, with an air of self-importance.

So how can I move past this? How can I remove myself from its scrutiny? I know I am impatient to move past my fears. Impatient to get on with my life unabated by my own misguided limiting beliefs of not being enough. Not being ambitious enough, not being aligned with my life purpose… The ‘not being’ lists are like Kryptonite to my soul.  They strip away my intuition and kill my uniqueness.

Something has shifted in me though. I no longer wish to carry around my own dead weight. I want to shine. I want to dust off my ambition and step forward with a sense of my own worthiness. I want to stop procrastinating and start holding myself accountable to the life I want to be living. This life does not depend on anyone else. It rests solely on my own shoulders. It is my gift to myself. I would be doing myself a great disservice to not hold up my own mirror and honour myself and my gifts.

I want, I want, I want…

What I need however, is to be honest with myself, to believe I am worthy and to keep moving forward.

You’ll travel far

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Melancholy,
lost my dolly,
threw it from the pram.
Along with toys
and other joys,
but I don’t give a damn.
‘This world’, they said
can give you all,
your heart could ever desire.
How wrong they are,
you’ll travel far
but only if on fire.
With passion burning
in your soul,
to step beyond yourself.
To shed your fear
and change the gear,
create a unique goal.
This world, you see,
spins on a thread
of honesty and trust.
Your angel dust,
the you within
will guide you as you tread.
So walk a path
that’s all your own,
embark on your own course.
Ignore words of others,
those well meant brothers
and feel your inner force.

Another’s make believe world

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I dreamed

I was unworthy,

that my mind was lost.

Criticism became fact,

fiction, a mindless pursuit

as I molded myself;

folding and squeezing

every surplus part of me,

until I was small,

so small,

that I fitted neatly

into another’s box.

The stars above my bed

cast shadows

on the stage,

where I sat

with my back

to the baying audience.

My inner child

was labeled

too childish.

too much,

too loud,

for their adult world.

The room suddenly

as empty

as my mind.

I flinched

as integrity

tried to embrace me,

her touch alien

to my heart.

Yet her kind words

reassured me,

her breath

brushing my skin,

her accepting touch,

tucking a loose strand of hair

behind my ear,

before leading me back to myself.

Waking me up

from my disloyal sleep,

where I had fallen,

inadvertently,

into the depths

of another’s make-believe world.

Starved

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I can’t hear.

I can’t think straight.

My mind and body starved.

Reason fighting with fate,

obstinately refusing to accept

that there is anything wrong.

My body inert,

a barren mass

fighting itself,

fighting its fears.

Scared to step aside

and make way

to hope…

Is it possible?

Possible to become

familiar with yourself?

To accept and acknowledge

every intricacy,

every human nuance?

To discern the purpose;

its value in surrender,

to my own brilliance…?

and imperfection…?

in equal measure.

What a fool I had been, but no fool am I now!

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As a child I was told, how I ought to behave,

that the doctrine of others, was what made me brave.

Within those confines, I did not flourish, nor grow,

my dreams became limited and desire could not flow.

 

I stumbled along blindly, trying to discern my own way,

ignoring intuition, found her words to be bray.

Mismatched with existence, at great odds with myself,

with no respect for my currency; the coinage of my wealth.

 

Although held by the moon, my fear swelled with each dawn,

my mind strangled freewill, saw any choice as a thorn.

It continually re-routed, just to champion its own plan,

thoughts blurring the edges, of where I ended or began.

 

For years this continued, for years I was lost…

For decades a mere puppet, until my own heart had been crossed.

And as the beating did stop, and all the pieces were shattered,

only then did I awake, to the reality of what mattered.

 

What a fool I had been, but no fool am I now!

There will never be another master, to whom I will bow.

My ache is my own, the true gift of existence,

my courage and self-worth, the real armour of persistence.

Misguided Fear

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Integrity holds my gaze.

Her virtues shining,

obscured no more

by the will of others,

whose pain adopted my heart.

My eyes hold firm,

her standards,

my mirror image.

My attention momentarily lost,

I look away

and see doubt standing

in the corner.

The universally, unwelcome guest,

with an air of entitlement,

like she owns the place.

A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

An energetic vampire,

a conviction sucking leach.

I’m surprised she’s got the nerve,

the nerve to show her face…

I turn back to my reflection,

ignoring the fraudulent baiting.

The catcall of unworthy venom,

that spews from her distorted fear.

Our fear.

My fear.

My fear of believing

I am everything and more.

My fear

of knowing, I am everything and more.

My fear.

That cumbersome weight

with no mass.

My fear.

My misguided fear.

Your misguided fear.