For Owen

He was different for me

As he was different for you.

Commonalities far beyond

Shared blood; a shared ancestry

Stretching way back.

It’s looking forward that smacks me in the face,

No longer able to trace

His breath in the distance.

Knowing and feeling merge into one.

A gripping pain

That hurts.

A cobweb of empathy

Intertwines continents

As does a sense of uselessness.

What’s done is done,

The end of a run

Of a man.

Not understanding,

Not withstanding 

The illogical logic,

That must have blinded him.

His head swallowing his heart whole,

Taking him away.

“There is no means of testing which decision is better…”

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“There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always like a sketch. No, “sketch” is not quite a word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch for nothing, an outline with no picture.” Milan Kundera (The Unbearable Lightness of Being)

It’s the same old, same old… If another does not know their own mind, their own heart, how can they be ready to embark on anything? I am the same, feeling my way along and through this mortal coil, trying to remain aligned and present and make sense of the uncertainty, that is the human condition. There is no judgement here, not from me anyway. We all seek the same Holy Grail; the mystical marriage of self and from there, a love affair with another. A joining of two hearts and an adventure of discovery, an opportunity to speak our truth and be loved and respected for it.

Is Love therefore the answer to every question? I suspect it underlies everything we seek, both externally and internally of ourselves. It is both the foundations and building blocks of life. It evades us often, especially when we fail to recognize it in ourselves; unable to trust in it fully and feel totally safe just being ‘me’.

I continually try to understand why I am where I am. Why I have met the people I have met, what lessons there are to learn from these encounters and physical interactions.

I’ll put my hands up at this point. Yes, I do tend to rush forward, racing towards an unknown future. Am I any different from you? Everyone, in some way or another, is trying to be true to themselves and that of course can lead to disappointment. It is indeed always disappointing not hearing what you would like to hear; when you catch a glimpse of another like minded soul, only to be pushed away. Don’t I know all too well, that at times what you want and what you need are in opposition and the bugger of that is, you know that is how it sometimes has to be. There is gold to be found in those moments, along with frustration and at times tears. But why am I running scared? Scared to feel emotions, scared not to feel emotions…. Scared of feeling too much, scared of not feeling enough… Scared of getting it totally wrong…

Fear can rule mercilessly. It can bury us in indecision and feelings of inadequacy. It can strip you of your knowing and push you down a path of blinkered illusion. I know this is true. Fear has led me down many dead-end roads. Fear is my unwanted guest, arriving uninvited, with an air of self-importance.

So how can I move past this? How can I remove myself from its scrutiny? I know I am impatient to move past my fears. Impatient to get on with my life unabated by my own misguided limiting beliefs of not being enough. Not being ambitious enough, not being aligned with my life purpose… The ‘not being’ lists are like Kryptonite to my soul.  They strip away my intuition and kill my uniqueness.

Something has shifted in me though. I no longer wish to carry around my own dead weight. I want to shine. I want to dust off my ambition and step forward with a sense of my own worthiness. I want to stop procrastinating and start holding myself accountable to the life I want to be living. This life does not depend on anyone else. It rests solely on my own shoulders. It is my gift to myself. I would be doing myself a great disservice to not hold up my own mirror and honour myself and my gifts.

I want, I want, I want…

What I need however, is to be honest with myself, to believe I am worthy and to keep moving forward.

Slow it down…

Time to stop trying to outrun my heart and my soul. This song has held, guided and taught me a great deal over the past two years. I had previously believed it held true for another, however I now see and know it for representing my own truth and my own misguided belief that I had to be more than I am. I am, as I always have been, exactly who and where I am meant to be. No other song gets my heart and soul spinning like this one. Love and Light to all who aspire to become their own heroes. X

My Christmas…

Mrs Brown went to town and bought…

diamond encrusted collars for the Westies,

boxer shorts,

avocado pears,

sashimi,

a copy of Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam,

oil based paints,

an octopus,

a hairbrush,

a spring-loaded pellet gun,

an Indian headdress,

an 8oz fillet giraffe steak,

a forgery of van Gogh’s Sunflowers,

fungal cream for athlete’s foot,

a bottle of Gaviscon,

‘Gorilla’ lubrication for him & for her,

a pair of pink knickers adorned with a red feather,

a ping-pong bat,

a Christmas tree,

6 Cristal champagne glasses,

a Singer sewing machine,

a jet-hose,

a Pansy filled window box,

a red bow tie,

and a shopping trolley…

Letting go of the outcome and trusting the process

Finding happiness in life is about having acceptance of who you are and taking enormous pride in that.  By learning about yourself and letting go of limiting beliefs, you allow yourself to find a level of peace that you may have thought previously unobtainable.  When your mind starts to quieten, an inner love and approval starts to grow.  It is not about reaching a certain place or point, for life to begin; for happiness to be attained.  There IS only this very moment and by projecting onto a future that may hold allure, you are limiting yourself, as your mind only creates what it knows.

Enlightenment therefore is not the holy grail, something for others to obtain, it is a way of being and letting go in equal measure and is possible for everyone.  A full life is not a measurement; it is not something that can be gained through comparison or coveting the life of another, no matter how sorted that person may appear.

The ego looks for recognition of its achievements, ‘if I do this or that, then I will get the adoration I feel I deserve’.  This is a false way of thinking; a false goal and is the dichotomy of success, as we often think success is the attainment of money or status.  Yet internal success is nothing more than a feeling of ease and of contentment.  It is not about looking to others, trying to replicate their actions and behaviour, in order to attain the perceived happiness you naively project onto them.  It is about looking inwards.

Do you sometimes listen to others speaking loudly about themselves and their achievements?  Yet with each telling of the same story, you suspect that this reiteration is nothing more than them convincing themselves that they are safe and validating their choices to themselves and others, perhaps to silence their own inner critic.

The routine of society, the explicate order of what we ‘think’ is required in order to fit in with others, creates nothing more than a sense of separation.  The requirement to be happy then becomes based on the expectations of others, as well as of ourselves.  Accumulation of experiences and achievements keep you on a treadmill; a never-ending cycle, where nothing is ever quite enough.

Do you find yourself looking forward to special moments and events, yet on their arrival, find your expectations are never fulfilled?  This is because you are looking outside of yourself for ways to stop the chatter of your mind.  Do you believe in others more than you believe in yourself?  The more faith you put in others, the more you will shrink and keep yourself small, scared of owning your own behaviour, believing you are not worthy.  Do you ignore your intuition, the voice of your heart and soul begging you to let go of this unfounded fear?  Your mind will suck you in if you allow it, and the negative thoughts will engulf you and became louder and louder as you give them more credence.

Doubting your ability and questioning your purpose, or waiting for someone to ‘fix’ you, is the biggest disservice you can do yourself.  Putting off life until ‘so and so’ has happened… or there is more money in the bank… or until you have more time, in order to start enjoying life, means you constantly adapt yourself and constrain yourself, looking to the future or the past rather than living and just ‘being’ in the present moment.  You start to value others’ attainments and opinions, believing that others know something you don’t.

Self-belief is not a measurement.  It is not a word or a feeling.  It is a knowing and a way of being that evaporates the world of comparison.

Your life is unique to you!  Learning to enjoy your own company is the biggest gift you can give yourself.  Loneliness comes when you project a sense of lack, or that something or someone is missing, onto your life.  That your life ‘would’ be more full, surrounded by others.  Don’t be scared of your exuberance or your desires or of meeting your own needs.  Listen to your fears and recognise that they do not serve you in any way.  You are not like everyone else, no one is.  So you don’t know how your life is going to look, well that’s okay.  So you may never understand many things in life, well that’s also okay.  Because to trust in life and trust in yourself is to embark on your own hero’s journey.  It is about being honest with yourself and listening to your intuition.  It is not about being outwardly successful. It is about finding your own inner peace and accepting yourself for all that you are, knowing that on a spiritual level you chose to be here, in this lifetime, in this body, and the surest way to achieve this is by letting go of the outcome and trusting the process.

Love…

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Love always holds you, it will never hinder you

Love will always make you shine

Love will always carve a path for you

Love is your greatest friend; your most beloved

Love will always ensure you are following your true path

Love will be your beacon of light; ensure you shine brightly

Love trusts the process, it conspires with your soul

Love co-creates all of your dreams

Love grows with your imagination

Love wants what’s best for you; always

Love clears the way; it knows of no obstacles

Love requires no deposit

Love is the true certainty of your life

Love supports, embraces and ensures success

 

Freewill is the choice; the choice to live with fear in your heart, or with love in your heart. The latter will always protect you; hold you safe and uncover for you where you should be and what you need to do to fulfill your life purpose. All fear seeks to do, is pull the rug out from under your feet.